Quick Update on "Growth".

So just a quick update since last night....

Church today was wonderful and the message was encouraging and convicting. I had been wrestling with fears and worries that had been growing for a couple months. I got in the car to go home, wondering where that strength I used to have had gone, and God slapped me in the face. He basically told me that I need to shut up and buck up. I have never lost that strength, I just stopped using it, His strength, when I thought I didn't need it anymore, opening myself up to unnecessary hurt. Yes the reality of what caused my worry will still be there and it's impact will not change, but there is nothing I can do about that. I am responsible for myself, not others, and how others act should not change who I am. I need to let HIM take care of those people and issues, and let Him work and grown in me as myself.

Random Act of the Day- went and took pictures in the wind
Current Contemplation- How a cloudy day and cool wind can be so overwhelmingly delightful.

TIll Another Day!

Growth

Well, first of all, I am officially not contagious any more. Praise God!

Intensive week was last week and the class I took, Poetic Books, was awesome! I learned so much. For the most part we a had a friend of our professor, a man from England whose doctorate is in wisdom and the wisdom texts teach us. The study was over the poetic and wisdom books of the Bible. We went over the literary and grammatical meaning (from the original Hebrew/Greek/Aramaic), misconceptions, genera, historical aspect, dating and all of that wonderful stuff. I have to say that I will never read those books (Proverbs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Job, Song of Solomon) the same way again. Probably one of the best classes I have ever taken.

A lot of things have been going through my mind lately... too much probably... but I think on my feet and usually it helps me sort out things about myself, and those around me.
1. Where the heck am I going with my life? Do I have any goals?
2. Do I have an emotional problem (unbalanced, bipolar?)
3. And a lot of smaller interconnected questions and stress that boil and kill me cause it is my curse to hold them in.
Well, with #1... I have no idea. I used to know but God had other plans. I want to some day be a published author, I want to do photography as a hopefully paid hobby, by next year I hope to have a decent savings, and be able to finish school on time. I do want to be married and have a kid or two but that wont be coming for me for a long time I imagine.

#2- I fought over this one for a long time. I might have an issue, but looking back at my life I doubt it. I have always been an emotional person. Growing up I was, for a part, though I believe unintentionally, emotionally abused. I have always been a happy, optimistic person, but especially from 7-10th grade I used that strength as a shield and a mask. While still being able to be myself, I was protected, taking less injury. When I moved away from my hometown I had no expectations on who I was to be. I took my walls down. After graduation and going off to college I became more seriously aware of my need to be looking towards my future, and doing so, the things I suppressed from the past began to surface. Now I am dealing with having to deal with those emotions and realized fears and weaknesses without my wall. I have put my trust in people and shown my heart, having no shield as a back up and it has been wonderful, yet incredibly painful. I am usually either calm/pensive or happy, but I don't want to be just because it is expected of me. I fear people think I am upset when I am often in thought or just solemn and calm. It has been hard, but it has forced me to rely more on God and let Him be my strength. I am no where close to where I need to be, but I am sticking to that road none the less.

And now #3... well that is just something I need to straighten out. I have gotten a lot of that off my chest lately (cant tell you just how wonderful that is) but I think I need to get it all out, or just forget about it cause it is not life or death, it is just the way of things and I need to give it up to God, cause none of it will get resolved until I do.

So much growth to do... and I look forward to every day of it.

Random Act of the Day- decorated my door at school with Kelsey
Current Contemplation- having to measure up to someone by another persons expectations... and bacon... bacon is one of the most amazing foods ever.

Till Another Day!

Medication for Optimism

Oh joy. Of all the delightful things that have happened to me, the topper of my list is I have been blessed to have contracted Mono. Of ALL viruses I could have contracted I get this. I never would have guessed it would have been this. I just thought it was a really bad case of sore throat and some sort of flu virus.
I went into the clinic yesterday and got checked out. They gave me these huge white pills to take to get rid of my tonsillitis.... do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow those things when there is only half an inch of space in the back of your throat? The throat and nasal infection stuff should be gone in less than a week, but I am still contagious to others with mono for another week after that. I feel like walking death.
Everyone has been really supportive. My mom is worried sick (not literally) and wishes she could come down and take care of me, all of the girls here, though cautious (and rightly so) are supportive, caring, and help me to laugh about it.
Though I hate that I am like this, I am most worried about my boyfriend. Before I got really bad we did have a kiss and shared a drink, and before I knew what my diagnosis was he gave me a hug and was super sweet and got me some juice and such to help me get better. He is a really healthy person and I am so worried he will... or has gotten the virus from me. I would feel so incredibly awful. ... lol, but (optimism kicking in) if he does end up getting it, at least I can take care of him with out worrying that I will get it. Not like I can catch it again :P
Another.... semi-good thing about this is that I get to sleep in, don't have to got to work, and I don't have to go to class.... though on the other hand I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment or lower my grades in class. But for all of that, Everyone says I will be exhausted for while and should rest for another week or so. Though I definitely will, I honestly don't feel too bad aside from a headache and my tonsillitis, and feeling abnormally weak.
Well, God must have something good meant for this whole icky situation.

Random Act of the Day- Threatened to lick Josh Loughlins silverware if he pounded on the stairwell door one more time.
Current Contemplation- A speedy recovery

Till Another Day!

First Week of School Past....

So it has been a while... basically i love my new job. Working at Famous Footwear is great and is a good place to get me started with decent income. lol.
Hmm.... What else...
School has started. Nothing profound. Gonna be a difficult semester but I really like my classes and no independent classes for me :D
It has been a bit of a struggle to continuously stay in the Word every day but I am doing my best not to let a single day pass without it. I know better. I really hate how it is.. "difficult" to stay in my Bible. You would think that when you love so much and have devoted your life to that Love, the desire and need to be in it every day would be so great that the thought of "forgetting" to read my Bible wouldn't even be there. Humans tend to be bad at that in general, but seriously? Your first Love, God, King SHOULD be our number one priority and thought!

Random Act of The Day: .... today has gone without that pleasure.
Current Contemplation: God's patience with us

Till another day!

Improvments

Well, besides my lame title, things have been great!
I finally got a job. Famous Footwear hired me and I should be starting in a week or so. My car has been working fairly well, aside from the occasional stalling and shut off at stop lights.
I am hoping to do a series of photo shoots sometime soon. I am wanting to do two women and a man but we will see which of my friends are willing to dress up and be dragged around town for an afternoon. ;D I am hoping to get some experience, improve my technique and get some word out there. Also, I filled up the last pages of my water painting pad. .... suck. oh well, on to my sketch book :P

Random Act of the Day: Gave fifty cents to a guy short of change who had come into Kum&Go in a white bath robe.
Current Contemplation: How the heck I am going to draw a decent dragon in the background of my current pencil drawing undertaking.

Till another day!

An A

Greetings humans!
... now that I have that out of my system...
So this past week has been very interesting.
Last Thursday the car I was borrowing from a friend died.. on the street.. in rush hour. Yeah... I had just left Auto Zone from getting coolant (since the car ate it all up!) and not a block away at a red light i suddenly saw grey smoke billowing out of the back of the car. I turned the car off and let it sit for the red light but when I went to restart it, it didn't even turn over. Yeah, sucked. ... What really got me though, was that only one person pulled over to see if I needed help. You go society, I still have faith in you *choke*.
Yesterday (Tuesday) I rode the Greyhound bus up to Sioux Falls to get my first car ever from my family who was driving through. It is beautiful! A 1995 Buick LeSabre. That car knows where it's at. lol, I am so happy, it is still kind of a shock to walk outside and see my own car. :P

Random Act of The Day: No idea.
Current Contemplation: the effort in kindness... and about pickles

It's Something Like That...

So... earlier this week my roomate and I made a "Get A Life" list. So far I have been active upon it, but I am getting more distraught over my current unemployment. I wont... cant... fear to lose hope that my life will go somewhere. I know that it is just the current time of my life that I am going through, but it sucks. I am not quite good enough in my talents to really make it anywhere(though my painting is improving). Almost none of my dreams seem to have potential of coming true, and I just feel.... stranded. .... Though, I know once I get my first car ever (figure that one out) in three weeks and get a job somewhere in that time, things will start looking up. I want to get my excitement for life back, but I have to work to keep my optimism up.... I probably need to work on that issue... I hope it's not turning into a lack of faith.. oh Lord help me. I dont think it is, but my negative mood needs to stop it. *angry face at self*
Do dreams really ever come true? .. Yes and no. I think that they can and they can't but whether or not they do God is in control and has better things for us than what we could imagine.
Gads... I need someone to encourage me.... *cough* I hate feeling like I have to be happy and hopeful and optimistic all the time.

Random act of the day: watched the sunset by myself on the shore of a lake drinking Arizona Sweet Tea
Current Contemplation: The effort of being sweet

Till another (more joyful) Day!

Potential

I am a week into my summer and I have to say I am disappointed with myself.
I have lived in Omaha two years and I will be staying in town for the summer but I feel my motivation going to pot. I really need to get out and do something. This summer is wide open with potential! There is no motivation in my friend group. Apathy is slowly contagious.
Cure the disease!!!

Random Act of the Day: Played the new COD:MW2 maps
Current Contemplation: The little things that matter

Till another day!

The Catalyst

Often people are encouraged to look back on their life, to reflect on the decisions they have made.
Well, today was one of those days for me. It is the one year mark of my relationship with my first boyfriend... one of the best years of my life. After spending my afternoon with him I started thinking back on my life. I never dated before college and it is amazing the change in my life that has happened due to being in a relationship. Thinking back farther I was thinking of the pivotal decisions I have made in my life... besides deciding to follow God's call and come to NCC, and when I accepted Christ, I could think of only one great decision....
When I decided to leave my home, living with my father, and move with my mom to another state. If I had stayed with my Dad, yes, I would have finished HS with 12 varsity letters, been in the countys most prestigious choir, and gone to state for running.. but if i had stayed I probably would have turned into more of a rebel, I probably would have dated a friend or two before graduation, and there is a 50% chance in my mind of me messing up with one of them out of rebellion against my father, and would have struggled greatly in my walk with God.... Another scenario of this is I would have probably lived with my Dad for a semester or two my junior year, then would have gone to live with my mom after that. I wouldn't have ever known of my current college, I wouldn't have had the wonderful Christian friends that have greatly impacted my life, and I wouldn't be dating such a wonderful man of God.
But I did leave what was my "home" halfway through HS to live with my mom. It was the hardest, and one of the most pivotal and best decisions I have ever made. I was living with my mom (who has been my greatest mentor in my life, as a mother, and spiritual guide), my little brother, and my Grandfather (one of my main positive male role-models of my childhood). I was able to start in a new school, given the freedom to be involved in the activities of my choosing, I was held to a standard of great expectations, given trust in my new freedom that I did not abuse. Looking back, I realize how blessed I am that I have such a supportive mother, such a wonderful family, and the opportunity to learn and not make the mistakes I saw so many of my friends making. That one decision of breaking my fathers heart in my moving, I believe, was a catalyst, a beginning of fully letting God move drastically in my life and in his. I am blessed by the hardship, and yet blessed that I was spared from more of it.
What was your catalyst?

Random Act of the Day- played tag with the guy's new dog
Current Contemplation- pistachios


Till Another Day!

Only Three More Weeks of School Left!!!

So the zoo was AWESOME. I hadn't been to one since... the 7th grade I think.... gosh I'm old....
Anyways, yes, it rocked. Didn't get to see the whole thing but I can go again. Only like a 20 min drive away.
The end of the school year is coming up SUPER fast. I am excited for it. Can't wait to get out of here, start my job, and have no homework! Then again, I have so much homework to do. I got a bunch done today, but still got a lot.
I could babble on about my boring, homework filled afternoon but I wont suffer you anymore.

Random Act of the Day: ran up and down the hallway in my costume for my first person expository sermon.
Current Contemplation: the giving of affection

Till Another Day!

Well then....

Going to the Zoo in town for the first time this weekend. Not with the person I originally wished to take me, but going with friends to prevent the problem of the third wheel is fine with me :)

I think my favorite class this semester is Intro. to Preaching. I gave a sermon this week on Our plans vs. God's plan, and how we need to have a spiritual game plan. It was my shortest sermon, but I feel it was my best. And it was something I think God has been trying to reassure me of.

Tonight was the end-of-the-year school formal. All in all, it was a really good time. Got myself and my boyfriend slightly lost on the way there but we just missed one turn. More of a scenic detour than lost ;P


Till another day.

Late Nights

Reasons I like to go to bed before 2 in the mornings on school nights:

1. I like sleep
2. I need sleep
3. I need to be up for class in the mornings
4. I need to be alert for class in the mornings
5. So that the things I suppress till the next day wont hit me when I am trying to do homework
6. Chances for anything good happening drop after 2 in the morning on a school night. (or for me, after midnight)

Slept through my alarm this morning.... first Sunday I have done that since.... when I was sick over a year ago I think. The good thing was I didn't have a sermon for Intro. to Preaching tomorrow until I was reading through old church bulletin sermon notes I kept. Amazing how God once again reminds me how He is in control. :)

Till Another Day!

A year later, older, and wiser... hopefully ;)

So... Where to begin?
Life is good, just got back to the school dorms after a much needed Easter Break.

Five more weeks till my sophomore year in college ends and I have learned a few things...

I have learned that-
* it is possible to be a productive procrastinator
*I wake up most mornings thinking "I have to get up and be responsible"
*it is possible for my "burns" on people to be legitimately funny
*there is hope for my ridiculousness
*my books probably will never get published but that shouldn't stop my writing
*I have learned God has something better in store for me than I could ever hope or dream
* and I have learned my worth.

It is amazing how far you can come and how much you can learn in a year, especially when you know that you knew absolutely ZERO about so many things.

I am hoping to keep this blog up... we will see! ;P

Till Another Day!