So just a quick update since last night....
Church today was wonderful and the message was encouraging and convicting. I had been wrestling with fears and worries that had been growing for a couple months. I got in the car to go home, wondering where that strength I used to have had gone, and God slapped me in the face. He basically told me that I need to shut up and buck up. I have never lost that strength, I just stopped using it, His strength, when I thought I didn't need it anymore, opening myself up to unnecessary hurt. Yes the reality of what caused my worry will still be there and it's impact will not change, but there is nothing I can do about that. I am responsible for myself, not others, and how others act should not change who I am. I need to let HIM take care of those people and issues, and let Him work and grown in me as myself.
Random Act of the Day- went and took pictures in the wind
Current Contemplation- How a cloudy day and cool wind can be so overwhelmingly delightful.
TIll Another Day!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Growth
Well, first of all, I am officially not contagious any more. Praise God!
Intensive week was last week and the class I took, Poetic Books, was awesome! I learned so much. For the most part we a had a friend of our professor, a man from England whose doctorate is in wisdom and the wisdom texts teach us. The study was over the poetic and wisdom books of the Bible. We went over the literary and grammatical meaning (from the original Hebrew/Greek/Aramaic), misconceptions, genera, historical aspect, dating and all of that wonderful stuff. I have to say that I will never read those books (Proverbs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Job, Song of Solomon) the same way again. Probably one of the best classes I have ever taken.
A lot of things have been going through my mind lately... too much probably... but I think on my feet and usually it helps me sort out things about myself, and those around me.
1. Where the heck am I going with my life? Do I have any goals?
2. Do I have an emotional problem (unbalanced, bipolar?)
3. And a lot of smaller interconnected questions and stress that boil and kill me cause it is my curse to hold them in.
Well, with #1... I have no idea. I used to know but God had other plans. I want to some day be a published author, I want to do photography as a hopefully paid hobby, by next year I hope to have a decent savings, and be able to finish school on time. I do want to be married and have a kid or two but that wont be coming for me for a long time I imagine.
#2- I fought over this one for a long time. I might have an issue, but looking back at my life I doubt it. I have always been an emotional person. Growing up I was, for a part, though I believe unintentionally, emotionally abused. I have always been a happy, optimistic person, but especially from 7-10th grade I used that strength as a shield and a mask. While still being able to be myself, I was protected, taking less injury. When I moved away from my hometown I had no expectations on who I was to be. I took my walls down. After graduation and going off to college I became more seriously aware of my need to be looking towards my future, and doing so, the things I suppressed from the past began to surface. Now I am dealing with having to deal with those emotions and realized fears and weaknesses without my wall. I have put my trust in people and shown my heart, having no shield as a back up and it has been wonderful, yet incredibly painful. I am usually either calm/pensive or happy, but I don't want to be just because it is expected of me. I fear people think I am upset when I am often in thought or just solemn and calm. It has been hard, but it has forced me to rely more on God and let Him be my strength. I am no where close to where I need to be, but I am sticking to that road none the less.
And now #3... well that is just something I need to straighten out. I have gotten a lot of that off my chest lately (cant tell you just how wonderful that is) but I think I need to get it all out, or just forget about it cause it is not life or death, it is just the way of things and I need to give it up to God, cause none of it will get resolved until I do.
So much growth to do... and I look forward to every day of it.
Random Act of the Day- decorated my door at school with Kelsey
Current Contemplation- having to measure up to someone by another persons expectations... and bacon... bacon is one of the most amazing foods ever.
Till Another Day!
Intensive week was last week and the class I took, Poetic Books, was awesome! I learned so much. For the most part we a had a friend of our professor, a man from England whose doctorate is in wisdom and the wisdom texts teach us. The study was over the poetic and wisdom books of the Bible. We went over the literary and grammatical meaning (from the original Hebrew/Greek/Aramaic), misconceptions, genera, historical aspect, dating and all of that wonderful stuff. I have to say that I will never read those books (Proverbs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, Job, Song of Solomon) the same way again. Probably one of the best classes I have ever taken.
A lot of things have been going through my mind lately... too much probably... but I think on my feet and usually it helps me sort out things about myself, and those around me.
1. Where the heck am I going with my life? Do I have any goals?
2. Do I have an emotional problem (unbalanced, bipolar?)
3. And a lot of smaller interconnected questions and stress that boil and kill me cause it is my curse to hold them in.
Well, with #1... I have no idea. I used to know but God had other plans. I want to some day be a published author, I want to do photography as a hopefully paid hobby, by next year I hope to have a decent savings, and be able to finish school on time. I do want to be married and have a kid or two but that wont be coming for me for a long time I imagine.
#2- I fought over this one for a long time. I might have an issue, but looking back at my life I doubt it. I have always been an emotional person. Growing up I was, for a part, though I believe unintentionally, emotionally abused. I have always been a happy, optimistic person, but especially from 7-10th grade I used that strength as a shield and a mask. While still being able to be myself, I was protected, taking less injury. When I moved away from my hometown I had no expectations on who I was to be. I took my walls down. After graduation and going off to college I became more seriously aware of my need to be looking towards my future, and doing so, the things I suppressed from the past began to surface. Now I am dealing with having to deal with those emotions and realized fears and weaknesses without my wall. I have put my trust in people and shown my heart, having no shield as a back up and it has been wonderful, yet incredibly painful. I am usually either calm/pensive or happy, but I don't want to be just because it is expected of me. I fear people think I am upset when I am often in thought or just solemn and calm. It has been hard, but it has forced me to rely more on God and let Him be my strength. I am no where close to where I need to be, but I am sticking to that road none the less.
And now #3... well that is just something I need to straighten out. I have gotten a lot of that off my chest lately (cant tell you just how wonderful that is) but I think I need to get it all out, or just forget about it cause it is not life or death, it is just the way of things and I need to give it up to God, cause none of it will get resolved until I do.
So much growth to do... and I look forward to every day of it.
Random Act of the Day- decorated my door at school with Kelsey
Current Contemplation- having to measure up to someone by another persons expectations... and bacon... bacon is one of the most amazing foods ever.
Till Another Day!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Medication for Optimism
Oh joy. Of all the delightful things that have happened to me, the topper of my list is I have been blessed to have contracted Mono. Of ALL viruses I could have contracted I get this. I never would have guessed it would have been this. I just thought it was a really bad case of sore throat and some sort of flu virus.
I went into the clinic yesterday and got checked out. They gave me these huge white pills to take to get rid of my tonsillitis.... do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow those things when there is only half an inch of space in the back of your throat? The throat and nasal infection stuff should be gone in less than a week, but I am still contagious to others with mono for another week after that. I feel like walking death.
Everyone has been really supportive. My mom is worried sick (not literally) and wishes she could come down and take care of me, all of the girls here, though cautious (and rightly so) are supportive, caring, and help me to laugh about it.
Though I hate that I am like this, I am most worried about my boyfriend. Before I got really bad we did have a kiss and shared a drink, and before I knew what my diagnosis was he gave me a hug and was super sweet and got me some juice and such to help me get better. He is a really healthy person and I am so worried he will... or has gotten the virus from me. I would feel so incredibly awful. ... lol, but (optimism kicking in) if he does end up getting it, at least I can take care of him with out worrying that I will get it. Not like I can catch it again :P
Another.... semi-good thing about this is that I get to sleep in, don't have to got to work, and I don't have to go to class.... though on the other hand I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment or lower my grades in class. But for all of that, Everyone says I will be exhausted for while and should rest for another week or so. Though I definitely will, I honestly don't feel too bad aside from a headache and my tonsillitis, and feeling abnormally weak.
Well, God must have something good meant for this whole icky situation.
Random Act of the Day- Threatened to lick Josh Loughlins silverware if he pounded on the stairwell door one more time.
Current Contemplation- A speedy recovery
Till Another Day!
I went into the clinic yesterday and got checked out. They gave me these huge white pills to take to get rid of my tonsillitis.... do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow those things when there is only half an inch of space in the back of your throat? The throat and nasal infection stuff should be gone in less than a week, but I am still contagious to others with mono for another week after that. I feel like walking death.
Everyone has been really supportive. My mom is worried sick (not literally) and wishes she could come down and take care of me, all of the girls here, though cautious (and rightly so) are supportive, caring, and help me to laugh about it.
Though I hate that I am like this, I am most worried about my boyfriend. Before I got really bad we did have a kiss and shared a drink, and before I knew what my diagnosis was he gave me a hug and was super sweet and got me some juice and such to help me get better. He is a really healthy person and I am so worried he will... or has gotten the virus from me. I would feel so incredibly awful. ... lol, but (optimism kicking in) if he does end up getting it, at least I can take care of him with out worrying that I will get it. Not like I can catch it again :P
Another.... semi-good thing about this is that I get to sleep in, don't have to got to work, and I don't have to go to class.... though on the other hand I hope this doesn't jeopardize my employment or lower my grades in class. But for all of that, Everyone says I will be exhausted for while and should rest for another week or so. Though I definitely will, I honestly don't feel too bad aside from a headache and my tonsillitis, and feeling abnormally weak.
Well, God must have something good meant for this whole icky situation.
Random Act of the Day- Threatened to lick Josh Loughlins silverware if he pounded on the stairwell door one more time.
Current Contemplation- A speedy recovery
Till Another Day!
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